My little girl is here! I still can’t believe that I have a daughter. You know, when the boys were born, I was beyond excited that I’d be a boy-mom. Superheros, cars, trucks, I envisioned all this and couldn’t be happier. I never thought I’d be a good mom to a girl, as I’m not a girlie girl. Makeup, nails, tutus and pink dresses, no thank you. But now that Harper is here, I can’t wait to dress her up in all things pink with a little tutu and mary-janes. Since her birth day and the moment we found out that she’s a girl, I have been daydreaming about how life will be in our home now that we have another female to keep me company among all the boys.
From the moment I saw the 2 lines on that pregnancy test, I knew somehow that this pregnancy would be different. I’m not sure how or what but I knew it wouldn’t be the same. Mark and I decided from the very beginning that we would keep the gender a surprise, as no matter what, this would be our last child. When I was pregnant with Ethan, I wanted to keep his gender a surprise but was too curious a few weeks into the pregnancy to hold out. So this time, I wanted to experience that surprise when baby was born.
I was adamant I wanted a VBA2C. Unfortunately, there is no midwife or gynae that will assist with a natural birth after more than 1 cesarean section. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I tried to convince my gynae to let me at least just try, spewing facts and information I had researched at her about the safety factors having a natural birth and the dangers of having a c-section. She wouldn’t budge though and Mark had to constantly tell me to stop and just accept that this was how this pregnancy was going to go. I held out hope until the day before our scheduled date that Harper would come on her own.
We had set the date for 29 September for the c-section. She was due 8 October, my birthday, and I wouldn’t have minded sharing a birthday with her. In the week before her birth, I tried most natural remedies to get her to come on her own, hoping she’d choose her own birthday. Nothing worked, I can’t look at pineapple at the moment, and my exercise ball is just gathering dust at the moment. Everything was set, bags packed, cot set up and boys prepped to meet their new sibling.
I must say, that the night before a scheduled c-section must be the longest night in a persons entire life. You know you should sleep, as it’s going to be the last time you get to sleep through the night for a while. We were in bed at around 9pm, to be up at 4:30 the next morning for an early start at the hospital. If I slept 4 hours that night, it was a lot. I was nervous, anxious, excited, worried about the pain after the operation and could feel how my heart was galloping in my chest. I had dreams about what gender this baby would be and how he/she would fit into our family.
We arrived at the hospital, both of us tired but filled with nervous excitement. We were finally going to meet our baby. We checked in and shown to my room. The 2 hours laying in that bed was excruciating. I couldn’t wait to meet my baby, and hearing the other babies down the corridor just made me want to get the operation over with so that I could meet our little person.
Eventually, I was wheeled into the theatre. Mark had to wait outside while they gave me the spinal. That was the worst part. I don’t know why they always make the dad wait while mom gets her epidural/spinal. Don’t they know that that is the time she needs her partner the most? I was scared. I’ve done this before, twice, but this time I was scared. I knew what I was in for and I didn’t want to go through that pain again. But it was too late, and there was no other way.
My gynae held me while they admistered the spinal. She was so gentle and caring, rubbing my back, literally holding me (probably just to keep me still but it was comforting nonetheless). Eventually, Mark was allowed into the theatre. He came straight to me and held my hand. And I burst into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying until later. I realised that I was worried I would disappoint Mark. I knew how badly he wanted a little girl, a daughter of his own, a sweet princess that he could dote on. And I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted. Silly, yes, because he would’ve loved that kid regardless if it was a boy or a girl. But sometimes, things don’t make sense to a hormonal, 38 weeks pregnant woman.
The big difference with this c-section, is that I could feel everything the doctors were doing. There was no pain, but I could feel their hands on me, I could feel the tugging and pulling and everything. It was so surreal and I think it added to the reason why I was so emotional. I eventually stopped crying, Mark was kissing my forehead and telling me everything was going to be ok. He wanted to know why I was crying but I couldn’t tell him at that moment, because I didn’t know.
Eventually, I hear the doctor say that baby is here and that daddy can tell mommy what the baby is. I look over at Mark, he has tears in his eyes. “It’s a girl” he says. I don’t hear him. He says “Babe, it’s a girl!”. I hear him but the only thing I can see is the tears in his eyes. He never cried with any of the boys. This says so much. They bring her over to me to hold and I’m shaking. I don’t know if it’s from the meds or excitement. My first words to her was “Happy Birth Day Baby!” They take her away to be weighed and checked by the paediatrician. She only weighs 2.795 kgs. Gosh, no wonder I carried so small with her. Matthew weighed over 3 kgs and Ethan almost 4kgs.
They took her away while the doctors finished up with me. I was wheeled into recovery for a few minutes and then taken back to my room. Mark brings her to me and I can’t handle how tiny she is. I just look at her and count her fingers and toes, I take her in and try to fathom that I have a little daughter now.
The boys arrive later that day and are immediately besotted with her. They just want to hold her and kiss her and hug her. I love how much they adore her and I’m so thankful that they’ve accepted her the way they have.
Meet Miss Harper Erin Muller. Born 29 September 2017. Weighing in at 2795gms and 46.5cms.
We are all so in love with her.
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