It feels like she’s on holiday

I have 2 incomplete posts sitting in my drafts, one is about beards and the other wine. Wine and beards, sounds like a fun Friday night!

I just can’t get myself to finish it. I feel anxious and like a crap mother. Flip man, why is being an adult so crazy hard? Can’t I be 5 years old again? Just for a few days? Please…..

Anyway, I think I know what is messing with my head. I’ve been thinking about my mom for the last few days. Not just fleeting thoughts about something she would’ve liked, or seeing her name on an old Facebook memory that she liked a few years back that popped up. No she’s constantly on my mind. I think of how she’s missing out of the kids’ lives, how she used to irritate me when she called to complain about my sister, how much my dad must be missing her, how badly I want another baby but that if we decide to go for it, she won’t be here to see me through that pregnancy.

It feels like she’s gone on a holiday and she’ll be back before we know it. It doesn’t feel like I’ll never be able to ask her a question about the boys. It doesn’t feel like she will never see my sister walk down the aisle one day. It doesn’t feel like we’re going to miss her at another birthday party, our first Christmas without her, another outing without her.

Matthew talks about her often as well. I don’t think Ethan remembers her, though.

I printed a few photos from our last family shoot and put them up in the house. There’s even one in the boys’ room. I thought that it would be nice for them to have easy access to see their grandparents if they’re missing them. It seems, though, that this was a mistake. Matthew can’t get over how “crazy this makes me” and said 2 nights ago that it’s giving him bad feelings. Cue “MOM GUILT” in big print with lights surrounding it. I know I’m being silly to feel guilty about it but I do.

Hug your parents, hug your spouse, give the children extra fat hugs. You never know when the last day will be that you get to do that. Tell your village that you love them, make amends, right the wrongs. Put your pride in your pocket and just do it. Life is really too short to not give a damn and you don’t want to live with the regret. I know this paragraph is very cliché and that it’s been said by many people, many times, but it’s true guys. It’s so flipping true.

I need to find someone to hug right now.


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4 thoughts on “It feels like she’s on holiday

  1. Jessica Viljoen says:

    You’re so right Kim, about telling your village that you love them! It’s super important.

    Sending you big hugs! This feeling of missing a loved one never quite goes away. It’s been 8 years since my darling granny passed away, and I still dream about her, one specific dream was that she hadn’t passed away, only gone to Italy for a long time, and she was so horrified when she came back home to find all her things divided up between family members! And just this morning while browsing through Woolies clothes, I see things that make me think of my gran, that it’s her style and she would have bought it…

    Hugs girl!!

    Bwahahaha, wine and beards, LOL!!

  2. catjuggles says:

    Oh Kim – believe me if I tell you I know how you feel. It’s now 9 months since my FIL passed away. We are heading for his first birthday without us. Our L talks about him all the time. And I miss not talking to him every Friday morning

    • Kim Muller says:

      It will be 8 months on Sunday for us 🙁 My mom’s birthday is 4 October and mine is then 4 days later. So it’s like a double whammy in the next 3 weeks. Big hugs to you (((((__)))))) (PS: That’s my version of a cyber hug 🙂 )

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