Feeling pressured

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2018 has begun and I’m sure some of you set out some New Year’s resolutions or a word to live by for the year. I wish you everything of the best and hope you fulfill your resolutions.

As mentioned in my last post, I have no resolutions, no word, and I don’t feel bad about it. What I do feel bad about, is myself. I have been wanting to get healthier and live better for the longest time but I just cannot get into it. I start and don’t see it through. Then I start again, promising myself I’m going to do better this time. And we all know how that ends up. I just have no motivation, no time, I’m always tired and hungry. Oh I see, these are just excuses. Yes, yes they are. See, I recognise them and should be able to move on from there. But I can’t, because I don’t know how.

Then I see hashtags like #mombodsunited and #selflove, #fitmom or #loveyourcurves and I won’t lie, my first feeling is jealousy. Jealous because I want to be as happy in my own skin as these gorgeous women seem to be. Jealous because I want the motivation and the drive to be able to work out every second day. Jealous because I want to be sexy AF and to not care what others think. After the jealousy goes away, I feel pressure. Pressure to conform and do what the other more popular people are doing. Pressure to love the way I look, even though I know I need to work on certain areas. Pressure to go to gym, to find the right work out clothes, to go to all the super hot classes, to find myself and be on top of everything.

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I just feel so despondent. And helpless. And no, this is not me looking for sympathy and you don’t need to tell me that everything will be okay. I know all that. I just need to find myself. In saying that though, I can’t believe that at 36 years old, I still need to find myself. Am I perhaps going through a mid life crisis? Or is it too early for that? Hahaha. I know what I want and how I want to feel, I just need to find the way to do that.

Maybe I’m putting the pressure on myself to be something I’m not. Maybe I need to unfollow all those ‘perfect’, go-to-gym-every-second-day people on social media. Or maybe, I just need to cut myself some slack. I am a mom of 2 very energetic, stubborn, opinionated boys and a newborn girl. I have good traits, like my friendliness, helpfulness, compassion and empathy for others. Maybe I need to focus my energies on those traits of mine and the rest will just flow.

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I feel like I let myself down, like I’m not good enough and that people find fault with everything I do. Perhaps I’m just having baby blues because my maternity leave ends in 2 weeks. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just needed to get the words out of my head and hopefully make sense of it seeing it on ‘paper’.

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14 thoughts on “Feeling pressured”

  1. Cut yourself some slack, Kim! I only found my mojo after Shae’s birth properly after she turned one… before it was just a big struggle – it’s normal and it’s okay. Your time will come again, you will know when you are 100% ready

    1. Thanks Debs. I think as mom’s, we are too hard on ourselves, expecting that we must just bounce back immediately after giving birth. Hopefully it won’t take me too long to find my mojo 🙂

  2. I like this last one that you’ve put there – nice words. And you’re not even back at work yet!!! It’s early days still. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you’re really ready, you’ll do it! All in your own time 🙂

    1. Thanks Jodie. It really does resonate hey.

      I think I just expect more from myself, forgetting that I only had a baby a few months ago. But you’re right, I need to be a bit more patient 😀

  3. I remember feeling just like this, when my maternity leave ended! Once you’re back into the swing of things, feeling like yourself again, these feelings will shake itself off. You are doing such a great job (with 3 kids nogals) and you’re going to kick ass in 2018 🙂

    1. Aww thanks Luchae. I remember seeing on SM how you struggled, made me realise I wasn’t alone. This mom’ing thing is hard yo. Not looking forward to going back to work but I am looking forward to finding myself again 🙂

  4. More than anything you need to feel complete and there’s no need to feel pressure because you are your own person. Do you and you won’t go wrong. no matter how long it takes.

  5. Loved this post iv been having baby blues for going on five years 🙊 this post really spoke to me. I wish I could be happy in my here and now physically

    1. I was having the baby blues for the longest time before I fell pregnant with Harper. Then somehow, something clicked and I was loving the me I was becoming. I’ve lost that person now and that’s so sucky, so I am on a mission to find her again.

      I hope both of us can find our happy selves soon!

  6. Even though being away from the kids will be tough, in terms of taking care of you I think you’ll feel a bit better once you’re back at work again. I know work sucks but being away from Mom life for a few hours a day after your maternity leave is not all bad!

    1. Very true. I think I just need to get through the first day, then the rest will be easier. We’ll all eventually get back into a proper routine and I can get back to looking after myself (hopefully lol).

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