I’m struggling people, with work, motherhood, being a good wife, a better person, my health, writing on my blog. It feels like I dropped the balls and they’re all lying around, having gone in different directions. I’m trying to pick them up but I want to pick them in colour order and pack them into this container that’s on a see-saw and I just can’t seem to get to it.


I resigned from my current job and then retracted that resignation. Circumstances just didn’t allow for the new job to be a viable option and I had to stay where I am. I am not unhappy but I can’t wait to get a new job, with new challenges and a place where I can start over, I suppose. I’m struggling to connect with my line manager as I questioned her management skills in my exit interview and I’m paying for it now.


No one ever tells you how hard being a parent is. You question everything you do, everything your partner does, most things your kids do. And then there’s the guilt. We won’t go there as I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not spending enough time with my boys, being too strict with them, not being able to feed them nutritious meals all the time.

Good wife

Mark and I have been together for 15 years next month (7 of which will be marriage). We have seen each other nearly every day for those 15 years, barring the few days he had to go away for work. I am struggling to find the correct balance between work, family, friends, myself and my husband. We need some (a lot) of alone time just to reconnect and get to know each other. Cindy from 3 Kids, 2 Dogs and 1 Old House did a great post the other day about Making your Marriage A Priority After Baby. It opened my eyes a little and I think I’ve managed to convince Mark that even if we can’t make it out to date night, we can at least take a day off from work, get the kids off to crèche and spend the day together alone.

Better person

I’m trying to be more caring, friendlier, more aware and less critical. I fail. Daily. But I keep trying. I want to be remembered as someone who was always available, someone who always listened and was there. I want to an amazing friend. I want to be the one people can’t talk bad about.


I’ve started going to gym. I’ve started eating a little better. But I struggle. All. The. Freaking. Time. I am really struggling to find more time to work out during the week. I want to be fit and healthy and all that comes with it. But I also need to spend time with my family. I get home late, leave home early. Need to cook dinner, bath the boys, have dinner, spend some time with Mark. Where do other mommies find the time????

My blog

I am struggling to write content for my blog that I’m happy with. I am by no means an amazing writer. I am not eloquent or even very articulate. But I want to write. I want to get the words out of my head and put it somewhere. But I also want my words to be read, and laughed at or cried over. Like all bloggers out there, I also want that validation and the knowledge that people are reading, they’re out there and they like what I’m doing (or least don’t hate it).

Struggles can only make you stronger. I will get through this. I will find the solutions I am seeking and everything will be awesome with me again.


What are you struggling with?

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10 thoughts on “Conflicted

  1. Bianca says:

    Hi Kim. I’m sorry you’re struggling. If it makes you feel any better, I think everyone is struggling. Not to take away from your experience and feelings but to answer your question, how do moms do it? I think a bit like you. One day at a time. Something I’ve really realized for myself lately is that the real priority needs to be you. The old cliche is true. You can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours is empty. I’ve also just started exercising again and it helps a lot! Don’t stop that if you can help it. I really hope things start feeling easier for you and just remember to try take it one day at a time. ‘This too shall pass’ always helps me get through rough times. And be kind to yourself. Maybe now’s not the time to be there for everyone else and that’s ok. The time will come for that. Much love X

    • Kim Muller says:

      Thank you Bianca. I as actually going to add a little blib about “this too shall pass” but I’ve been saying it to myself so often, I’m a little bit sick of it lol 😀 But you’re right, one day at a time and I need to look after myself first. I’m trying to do more of that without the guilt that I feel most days.

  2. debraaukett says:

    Oh I know the feelings you described here so well, Kim. We must just be careful not to lose ourselves in the process, I must admin I have come close at times. Big hugs

    • Kim Muller says:

      It gets too close most days. Especially when you feel overwhelmed and you’ve heard more than enough of one of the kids yelling “mooooooommmmmmmyyy!” But we get up each day and we start over. Hoping that today is better than yesterday 🙂

  3. hayleysjoys says:

    I think we all get to a point like this every now and again & I too had an AHAAA moment when I read Cindy’s post. Kurt and I rarely do anything alone. Being a parent is especially overwhelming but it’s also important to step back for a bit and make some time for yourself. If you’re happy – your family will be too.

    • Kim Muller says:

      I think Cindy helped a lot of mommies with her post 🙂 Thanks Hayley, we so often forget this and need the reminder. Our focus is on our children and all the million and one other things, always saying that we will get to doing something for ourselves. Only, we never get there 🙁

  4. Shelley (thedealis) says:

    So…I have all of the above except the mommy bit. I hear you. Our lives have become such a rush that it’s become quantity over quality. You’re already an awesome human (I think I’ve known you long enough to validate). You are hecka intelligent. Nothing wrong with your eloquence and articulation. The change you need will come in time. Oh, did I say you’re awesome? ‘Cause you are!❤

  5. Jessica Viljoen says:

    Ah Kim, this is a great post, and I truly identify with everything you’ve written here!!

    I once read a sentence on another blog, about dropping all the balls she was trying to juggle, and then decided to just leave them on the floor, play with them there, kick them around a bit. LOL, I like that idea. Why keep them up in the air, haha!

    The point is, it’s okay to drop the balls sometimes. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves.


    • Kim Muller says:

      Hahaha I like that analogy. Just drop down and play with the balls 😀 Thanks Jess, I guess it’s just in a woman/mom’s nature to second guess and always want to do/be more. Hopefully we can all find the balance and not lose it

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