Losing you has kind of broken me. It’s been 3 months today and although life goes on for the rest of us, I can’t help but think how it didn’t for you. Madison and Matthew ask about you constantly. They often forget that you’re not here anymore. Daddy is still struggling to cope. And you know how Nicole is. She copes in her own way without anyone knowing how she’s feeling.
I know we weren’t very close and for many years, I longed for the closeness to you that all my friends had with their moms. But I think of you every night, I wonder where you are, I wonder if you see what’s going on, I wonder how you felt just before you passed away. I see your face on the day you lay there on that hospital bed, I remember every aspect of that Monday morning when we went to see you for the last time. How Daddy broke down, how Mark was such a massive support for us all. How kind the nurses were. How Matthew didn’t understand what was happening and how Ethan was oblivious to it all.
The only thing I keep thinking of now is, how long will it last? How long before the pain the memories bring disappear? How long before Daddy stops looking so sad? How long before the memories start fading and I have to look at photos to remember you?
I wonder if me wanting another baby and actively trying to convince Mark now is anything to do with you not being here anymore? I crave another little body to hold and love and complete our family. But I wonder also how I will cope knowing that you’re not going to be here for the next pregnancy and see the new baby.
Matthew misses you. He wants to go visit God so he can be with you. I tried to explain to him that he can’t visit you but that you’re always around and he can always talk to you if he wants to but I don’t think he understands. We’ll have to just take his questions one day at a time.
I think I need to start writing to you in my blog. Maybe I’ll get around to writing more often…