A thin person in a fat person’s body

I look in the mirror and I’m happy with what I see. My clothing flatters me, my hair looks good, makeup is subtle but makes me look fresher and not as tired as I feel. We’re going to a little party you see, so I’m glad I look good because then I feel good. Fast-forward a few hours. I’m sitting at home, relaxing on the couch. Kids are asleep and I’m scrolling through my phone. I go onto Facebook and the pics of the party are up. Awwww, look how cute Harper looks. Hahahaha Ethan and Matthew look so big. WTF is that?!?!? IS THAT ME????? How does my mirror reflect one thing but when I look at a photo of myself, I seem to have tripled in size???

Has this ever happened to you? You look at yourself and you’re happy with what you see, then you see a photo of yourself and you get such a big fright as you can’t believe that you’re actually that big.

I am a thin person in a fat person’s body.

I am so scared to eat at work. Where we have 1 or 2 people in our office that watch what you eat and will make some type of comment. I have friends that are disgusted with the fuller figure and would rather not look at me. I am the bigger friend that gets kept around out of pity (I can only assume, I would never ask). I try not to let my husband see me walk around naked. When the kids see me in my underwear, I try not to physically cringe in front of them.

I was always teased about my weight growing up. Mostly by my dad. He’d laugh and say something along the lines of “You need to go to the airport. They need your legs to kick-start the Boeing.” I’d laugh with him but inside I’d be crying. I only weighed around 65kg but he was saying I was fat. I swam a lot, so my shoulders were broad and that got made of fun of too. An uncle of mine once looked me up and down when I was around 19 years old. He said to me “at least you have good child bearing hips.”

So yeah, I’ve had several people feel that it was okay for them to comment on my weight, my body shape, my eating habits. I am so tired of the drama surrounding my weight. I was never a thin girl. Okay, maybe not in my eyes. I think the lowest I weighed when I was 17/18 was probably 65kg and I wore a size 34 pants. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel confident. I want my clothes to flatter me and make me feel great.

But, my body is strong. I need to remember that and give myself credit for that. I played sport at school, I used to swim, I can still run around and kick a ball, I can run an 8km obstacle course race. My body carried 3 babies, withstood major abdominal surgery to get them earth side. I’ve had so much happen to and done just as much to my body and yet it’s still going.

I know I need to put aside the worry, the stress, the judgments and snide comments. But how? I follow body positive people on social media. But I still feel alone and stranded and unable to make a change.

I just turned 37 years old and I wonder if I’ll ever love my body. If I’ll ever have a healthy relationship with food. If I am going to pass my issues onto Harper.

Has anyone felt similar? Do  you have any advice for me?

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16 thoughts on “A thin person in a fat person’s body

  1. halberts2014 says:

    Aww man, why are we never satisfied with ourselves? I get what you mean though. I also walk out the house feeling reasonably confident and then I see a pic and I can’t believe I look like that. I’ve always relied on my height (6ft) balancing out my weight but I’m not so sure anymore.
    You are right though. You are probably healthier than many of your “thin” friends and how many kids and abdominal surgeries have they had? As for the people who comment on what you eat – that is not cool. I could see how one would get a major complex.
    We have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Liam is also extremely overweight, no matter what we do. I’m hoping he grows into himself, but kids are mean and things are said. Sometimes by his own family.
    Remember, you are beautiful the way you are and to those people who are important in your life.

    • Kim Muller says:

      Yeah are cruel man. My niece is also overweight, she’s 10 now. And the children in her class are so mean. They make fun of her and call her names. It’s so unfair. Thank you so much for the comment 😀 I just wish I could feel the things some of the important people in my life are telling me.

  2. Celeste says:

    You’re big?? If so, I need to have my eyes checked then. The last I saw you you looked good. In fact you’ve always looked good. I remember your legs from high school days and that was some real goals hey. Girls were jealous of those. No flattery. Just the absolute truth.

    I go through the motions of hating my body so often I guess all women do, but knowing it does what it’s supposed to do makes me feel grateful. Besides there are worst things than not being a size 8. You could lose all your teeth. 😉

    I hope you can overcome your thought patterns because you are perfect. We all are uniquely formed.

    • Kim Muller says:

      Lol at losing all your teeth. Yeah you’re right. I guess all the years of being told I was overweight has programmed my thinking to believe that. And thus giving me an unhealthy relationship with food and believing that food is the enemy. Thank you so much for your kind words 😘 I need to really work on my feelings towards myself before Harper is old enough to understand.

  3. Jodie says:

    I honestly think that as women, we put a lot of this stuff on ourselves! Just my opinion but as an example using the things you’ve said in your blogpost…how do you KNOW that your friends looks at your as the fat friend? Have they actually told you that or do you assume? Also, what is your reference for being fat?!?! I think for me, I compare to my “pre-kid” days. I’ve had two children now, my body is older and doesn’t seem to be able to keep food off the hips etc. because of my age. I am less active than when I was younger contributing to this. I think we ALL get these feels…or let me rather speak for myself…I do as well. It’s a mental war!!! But try and remember that you’ve birthed three children, you are a wonderful mum and wife, and your weight is just that…WEIGHT 🙂 Easier said than done…

    • Kim Muller says:

      You’re right. I don’t know it for sure. I am the biggest build out of all my friends, so I am just ASSUMING that they look at me like that (because I see myself like that, I suppose). And my reference for fat would be me looking at myself pre-kids. And of course you’re right, my weight is just weight. It’s a daily mental battle for me. Especially when clothing that fit me just a few months ago are now a tad too snug. I need to stop complaining and do something about it. I just need to figure out how to let go of the 20+ years of fat comments and love myself. Thank you for your comment 😀

      • Jodie says:

        I honestly think that it’s one of those things that ALL women feel! I say this after losing 13.5kgs a few years ago AND running 21kms and losing many more cm’s training for that. I STILL feel fat when I look at myself in the mirror… 🙁

  4. Angelique says:

    Kim, this post hit home. I also think that we are ashamed of our bodies because society dictates what the normal should be. BUT if you are happy with who you are..then so be it. xx

    • Kim Muller says:

      YES!!! Society and especially social media and magazines tell us what the perfect body looks like, and when we don’t conform to that “perfect body” we feel like we don’t belong. We begrudge others because in our minds they look better than we do, we moan and complain about why we just can’t lose that extra bit of flab around our middle so we could look good in a bikini.

      I agree though, if you are happy with who you are, then the rest of society can suck it lol. I’m still trying to learn this 🙁

  5. halberts2014 says:

    I keep saying and deleting this, but I have to ask – Do you all remember when you were teenagers, probably “skinnier and younger” and hiding your bums and thighs under large, oversized shirts? I do. But I must say that I actually don’t give a toss anymore. There will always be someone skinnier but then there will always be someone “bigger” to. Just think, we are worried about our big asses when other people are thinking how fabulous our hair/eyes/nails, whatever are.

    • Kim Muller says:

      Yes, I remember :(. I thought my tummy area was so round and kept it hidden when we at the beach. It’s sad though, even as young girls we weren’t happy with our bodies. And you’re right, we all really need to stop judging ourselves so harshly and accept compliments we receive with open hearts and belief. We also need to figure out a way to ensure our baby girls don’t grow up with that same self-hate we had. Thank you for your comment, you really made me think.

  6. Mommabeartrax says:

    People don’t realise what lasting effect their dumb ignorant statements made in jest actually have. It’s idiotic and it’s banned in my home. I put anyone and everyone in their place when they say inappropriate jokes (no matter how slight or funny or unintentional they are)- that shit will not fly with me. We are all so open to conditioning as little children and I want only positive inputs for my children.
    And yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about! My mental state of myself doesn’t match what the mirror and camera reflect. And I remind myself that giving myself grace is far more enriching, constructive and worthy than any self beratment I could dish out. And also I remind myself that no one else but myself can grant that feeling of love and acceptance. It’s not in anyone else’s hands but mine.

    I love that you acknowledge how strong your body is. Maybe continue to remind yourself of that by doing more of those things , on the regular, that make you feel strong.
    Loved this piece. X

    • Kim Muller says:

      Thanks Tracey! I’m slowly learning to accept and love myself. I read something recently about not being able to accept someone else’s love unless we love ourselves (or something like that). I’m trying to stop the negative comments when I look at myself in the mirror, instead focusing on what I love about what I see. It’s slow going but I’m getting there.

      I also don’t want any negative comments around any of my kids. I see my dad already started commenting on my niece’s body. The same type of comments he used to give me. I can’t always stop it but I do try and counter his negativity with loads of positivity. Sucks that people think it’s okay to comment on what anyone looks like.

  7. Mac says:

    I’m one of your friends (lucky me 🙂 and I can unequivocally say that you are one of the most beautiful people I know. What society dictates to us to be beauty is nowhere near real, and it pisses me right off. Many of us as husbands are left to pick up the pieces when our beautiful wives body shame themselves. To all the women that will read this, when your significant other says you’re beautiful, I guarantee you that he means it. We have the honour of going through this crazy thing called life with you and we fall in love with you many times over. And in our eyes, there is none more beautiful than you.

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