I look in the mirror and I’m happy with what I see. My clothing flatters me, my hair looks good, makeup is subtle but makes me look fresher and not as tired as I feel. We’re going to a little party you see, so I’m glad I look good because then I feel good. Fast-forward a few hours. I’m sitting at home, relaxing on the couch. Kids are asleep and I’m scrolling through my phone. I go onto Facebook and the pics of the party are up. Awwww, look how cute Harper looks. Hahahaha Ethan and Matthew look so big. WTF is that?!?!? IS THAT ME????? How does my mirror reflect one thing but when I look at a photo of myself, I seem to have tripled in size???
Has this ever happened to you? You look at yourself and you’re happy with what you see, then you see a photo of yourself and you get such a big fright as you can’t believe that you’re actually that big.
I am a thin person in a fat person’s body.
I am so scared to eat at work. Where we have 1 or 2 people in our office that watch what you eat and will make some type of comment. I have friends that are disgusted with the fuller figure and would rather not look at me. I am the bigger friend that gets kept around out of pity (I can only assume, I would never ask). I try not to let my husband see me walk around naked. When the kids see me in my underwear, I try not to physically cringe in front of them.
I was always teased about my weight growing up. Mostly by my dad. He’d laugh and say something along the lines of “You need to go to the airport. They need your legs to kick-start the Boeing.” I’d laugh with him but inside I’d be crying. I only weighed around 65kg but he was saying I was fat. I swam a lot, so my shoulders were broad and that got made of fun of too. An uncle of mine once looked me up and down when I was around 19 years old. He said to me “at least you have good child bearing hips.”
So yeah, I’ve had several people feel that it was okay for them to comment on my weight, my body shape, my eating habits. I am so tired of the drama surrounding my weight. I was never a thin girl. Okay, maybe not in my eyes. I think the lowest I weighed when I was 17/18 was probably 65kg and I wore a size 34 pants. I want to be beautiful. I want to feel confident. I want my clothes to flatter me and make me feel great.
But, my body is strong. I need to remember that and give myself credit for that. I played sport at school, I used to swim, I can still run around and kick a ball, I can run an 8km obstacle course race. My body carried 3 babies, withstood major abdominal surgery to get them earth side. I’ve had so much happen to and done just as much to my body and yet it’s still going.
I know I need to put aside the worry, the stress, the judgments and snide comments. But how? I follow body positive people on social media. But I still feel alone and stranded and unable to make a change.
I just turned 37 years old and I wonder if I’ll ever love my body. If I’ll ever have a healthy relationship with food. If I am going to pass my issues onto Harper.
Has anyone felt similar? Do you have any advice for me?Follow us on social media to see more